I guess she likes to write in the third person. Its Aprils 7th today. happy good friday.
today is April 27th, what progress have I made? um let's see- i had learned a few things on sublime text but it's not rlly transferable here.so it's kind of embarrasing, my progress is minimal.
I had approximately 270 hours b/n then and now that wasn't spent sleeping. and i managed to rlly not learn anything. kinda sad, defintely lame to see that
updade: May 6th by chance or by luck I stumbled across Prof. Philip Greenspuns book 'Software Engineering for Internet Applications' which feels like when Charlie found his gold ticket. I might be speaking a little too soon, but i can't believe he has the book for free on his blog. what a G!
Anyway I am going through it now, and there are exercises I am supposed to do. So this is Exercise one, having an email signature at the end in 'address' wish me luck
yay me i got the email to work but failed in part b of getting the https://tow work:(" If you get a directory listing instead your Web server is probably not configured to look for index files named "index.html"; you'll have to reconfigure your server.'I am not going into a rabbit hole. just know this is a problem needs solving soon but for now moving on...
i can already tell exercise 2 is a bi*ch to work through. cryyyyying in the inside. but let's break this mamouth down into bite sizes. fml
fml the exercises are HARD and this is just like the easy one. Youtube isn't helping. and i had ordered a book. i wonder if it is here alreay. lets go check bc i have no clue how i am to solve any of these questions. did i dive into the middle of the ocean. because it feels that why. i mean what even is abstract url. geez it's like trying to interpret a Jackson Pollock painting. (see wat i did there?) but seriously how do i even go about solving this?!!
May 7th 1:04:04 pm. I just got the html & xhtml the definitive guide by Chuck and Bill. I flipped through the pages just briefly. I though I'd be more excited to finally have the book, but I'm not, i was like cool, almost everything i need to know to get started will be on here, neat. I wanna do some vinyasa. so that's what i'm going to go do. Listen to my body. which btw is a concept i realized i have rarely every thought about until a friend just said 'i listen to my body a lot.' what a concept. so I shall do the same. go do as many sun salutation as I can; which is surprising that this urge should come to me because I haven't donne yoga in years now (at least had the urge so strongly) anyway- it is a beautiful sunday. Namaste :)
guess who learned to link a css file? not me, not today
I don't have a quote But i need one to site so here
i want to finish reading Anna K. this week. Its been 6 years. got about less than a hundred pages left.
Anna Karenina is a book by Leo Tolstoy, who obviously is a masterful writer but also a keen observer of human nature- a psychologist, an economist and perhaps a theologian. He explores his characters with surgical precision, allowing us to wander the corridors of their minds and their beings. The story really centers around two main characters- Anna and Levin. You might ask why Levin, he is not Anna's love interest, is the book not about Anna? Yes, but it is so much more than that. Levin, I believe, is the one character who is truly flushed out, who goes into the character arc. He is, I believe, Tolstoy himself. Through him- especially his conflict with reason and religion, his relationship with the peasants and tending his own land, while being and navigating the upper class, Tolstoy shares with us intimate views of Russia, its landscape, its people, its politics, and his love and his criticism of it.
Levin, more than Anna, transcends the story above love and passion and into the existential exploration of mankind, of life and death, of reason and faith and of love and duty. Through him, we are exposed to the mind of Tolstoy, and perhaps of humanity. "These doubts oppressed and tortured him, growing weaker or stronger from time time, but never leaving him. He read and thought, and the more he read and the more he thought, the further he felt the aim he was pursuing' (pg. 890).
The book is about a classic love affair but more than Anna and Vronskys hot passion, it is Levins and his partners love, first anguish then rejoicing that it one of the greatest love stories in literature- not because it is hot and explosive like Anna's, but because it is cool and continual like a stream. However, what makes this novel incredible is that each character is a microcosm of their own- filled with their own contradiction and blind spots. And Tolstoy allows us a glimpse of their shadows without a hint of judgement.
5 Stars; Would (highly) recommend this book
that's right! me!!! i thought it would take this whole week to figure it out. but nope. some friendly pointers was all I needed. I also found a new resource: Mozilla. First time using it, and it was really helpful. lovely layout too.
May 16, slowly working through the css chapter. RN i'm learning regular classes and figuring out how to do that.
Now I'm learning about child and parent divisions
no idea
June is almost over. today is the 24th and oops as you can see progress was not really made. You know I didn't know where I was going to be but it sure isn't looking like this. I am embarassed on the lack of progress made so far.
to be honest with my self, I really didn't have concrete plan of where I was going. I knew I wanted to make it look nice, but what did nice mean? Ah shame on me.
July 10th was a historic moment. After about 6 months of agonizing pain (not really) I had a breakthrough. Now mind you, about 4 days ago I 'broke' the website, I was so distraught of what I had done the only thing that saved me from spiraling was having a really cute puppy to go to, going to CH and talking to my friend Ashley and listening to her British friends banter about London and threeo going out to have some food and (watermellon gin) and going to the library
why am i telling you all this? because I want to offer some background and share an insight or two i had. One of them is to not always listen to your brain. When after about 2 days of hours and hours of working on this site, I found out not only did I not make the site work, I broke the other site that was working> I felt so bad about myself. I could hear myself being really mean to myself and I realized maybe now is not the best time to listen or believe what that voice was saying. Before, I would have gone along with the self flaggelation and in a werid way i would feel good about making myself feel bad. But that day, it was really a clarity moment of, okay I can hear my mind is really angry at me (at myself?) and now is not the best time to argue with it (it's like arguing with someone who is really drunk) so I went to my room, got a comforter,layed in bed and listened to Josh Waitzkins 'the art of learning.' Once I felt calm and okay, I went to CH and waved at a friend. I had a 'cooling period' if I had gone straight to CH I would have been an anxious wreck,but Waitzkins voice and topic had camled me, and the inner voice (the drunk one had some water and gone to sleep) I could engage with friends. So second insight is nothing beats other people to help you out when you need it. My friends friend came in, and his friends came in and they started chatting. about random stuff, why Americans are mor nicer on the streets than British ppl ( conclusion was not fully reached) but then the other ppl started chatting about their random stuff. It was laughter and really good times, and although I had no part in the conversation, it felt great to turn off my brain and take joy in their joy. Afterwards my uncle woke me up, I put on a cute (not borning dress, but extremley comfortable) and we went out for lunch. I am exvremebly thankful for those pattern interuptions because lord knows I have had really bad days before.
So I can never really express the joy and wonder of going through all those emotional roller coasters, then being able to type autodidacting.org and see the site live. It is a marvel of software but also a testment to friends that rescued me. Literally by helping me figure out the problem, spening hours on discord trouble shooting issues (and might I add, actually believing I could do it when I had no faith in myself) and those who had nothing to do with the actual site but were a positive influence: from those who said they liked the name, that one friend who always asked me how the website was going- letting me vent and complain about how it wasnot going anywhere, and others who cheered me on even when I could not explain what it was but listened to my ramblings and formed cohesive sentences ('it's rooted in community' it helps adult find other adults with similar interest, it's a learning platorm). Another friend who helped me question what the aim of education is, and could be.
And the most amazing part is I have met them in real life, they have all been voices on the internet, soundwaves of positivity and encouragment and, it was only able to happen because of Clubhous and meeting the one friend through whol I meet all these other friends.
they say it takes a village to raise a child, and it takes a tribe to birth an idea and see it in person (or online in my case) I am deeply grateful that all the things conspired for me to bring this idea forth. Now off to molding, tending and growing this baby idea (seed)
Much love,
tuesday, July 11, 2023
South Africa
Hello internet! I have gone quiet on this blog because i have been nomading in a new location now and have not had much to report interms of programming. Today is sort of my first day 'back' although I have been, seemingly fruitlessly attempting to learn programming half assedly evemn on vacation. Actually, I haave been really thinking and workint through certain problems, albeit I have not been writting much code lately.
Part of the reason is I just have been indecisive. Sitting on a crossroads, as my dad calls it. And partly it is just I have
The real reason is I need to find the right wall to bang my head against. At least evnetually you make a scar, if not a dent. This language hopping aint doing it for me.
Truth be told, I wish I knew how to code by now, come on, we are approaching month 7 now, I am kinda over it. I'm not sure how time has passed this quickly but here we are. I wonder if other people experienced these things on their early days or if it's just me? Pray for me, because this is really a confusing space. At least now, forget python for awhile, we're on a break. I hope js is nicer to me, at least it's on a Linux server so that is already a benfit. Till next time, xo maci Thursday, Augusv 24, 2023
Nov 4, 2023
what progress have I made sicne deciding to embrace Javascript? well, um, a little bit of progress, but not much. Who knew web design involved learning a whole bunch of loops. Damn loops.
I have yet to figure out the balance in coding. I'll spend about 3-5 hours one day coding- super motivated, and actually getting thing done- to only feel the next day after 1 hour, I never want to see these codes again. What is the balance? of steady work vs letting inspiration take over and going hard? I'd like someone to tell me, or I guess in true fashion, I'll have to figure it out myself. Why you ask? because of Colin Galden. In one of his road mao videos, he mentioned asking questions is like off loading your thinking to someone else. I kinda wanted to give myself a november challenge of not asking for help (kinda broke that a litte but)mainly, it's figuring things out myself. I wonder, does asking chat-gpt4 count as asking someone a question. And by having easy access to someonething to always answer question dimines the quality of my own problem solving? is it a hinderance. Usless musings. But I'll have to be cognizant of that. I was thinking earlier of that, how much time I'm spending on that site, learning a lot, but still. These types of things leave a resedue- be it on the mind or spirit or whatnot. I think I'll need to also (*tears*) take a break from gpt4 too. I love how it can make me do exercise suggestions. But I'll have to get it to give me that and dip out and struggle on my own for a day or two. Because the instant answer is not good for me in the long run.
Dec 31, 2023
lixkids - the dream machine by m. mitchell waldrop
there is a sense of imense gratitude that washed over me as I approached the end of this book. Written beautifully, this book chronicles the history of computing, from the craddle to about 1990s.
Computers, I thought were these things- inventions for sure- but they were monolithic, upiquitous- a given. this book made me realize how much history was behind these 0s and 1s. how the revolution had been going on for generations- how slow, how tedius and how fortunate it is to have happened. And how blessed we are to still be able to carry the torch further. Computers are not just toys, despite their utility to entertain and they are not in their final forms. they, like everything have room for evolution, to change, to adapt. In man-computer symbiosies the relationship is two-fold. it is not just having machines and algorithms tat understand and track our behavior for better ads, it is machine, a 'living organism' that will change and adapt to us and with us. Licks dream to make computing more intuitive, more adapative to the human has still a long way to go. And the path is exiciting because iv means it is not finished, it means it can still go on.
what has been so frustrating about programming is it seemed that i was the one that was stupid, i should be getting it, why is it taking me forever to learn a basic for loop, what is wrong with me and now after reading this book i realized maybe the fault is not in my self alone, nor is it in the stars per say, but in the way the programming lanugauge is well, a language, a made up modality of communication. and in the same way going to a different country required you having to learn the language, with programming the language is young. I mean an infant compared to human languages, compared to how the brain has been wired through milinia to understand communication. so perhaps the 'fault' or the 'flaw' is in the system, not in me.
Now does that really change anything in the short term? probably not, but at least it illumiates soemthing- that programming languages- be it C or Basic or Cobalt or Fortran- are languages made by humans to communicate with machines. And knowing how to 'speak' it or rather how to articulate it is a task that is neither intuitive or easy. Maybe actually, the logic is easy, but the formulation of said language - its syntax - is not the easiest of things. So anyway. maybe someday, per Licks dream, we would make these machines more like us, more like a friend that an average person can learn to have. And perhaps that will allow us to create more, to synthesize more. and to explore the world and each other in a humane way.
Saint Paul, MN
April 3, 2024
It was really interesting reading these blog posts. Obviously it has been a few months since I have written here, I kinda forgot about it to be honest. But I am glad it is here- hopefully I renewed my card correctly so we can continue to chat here- current me and future me.
So in terms of progress i have a few things to report. One is we are back to basics. I had used chatgpt to help me code the site and it was bloated to the max. it was just code after code of things I didnt understand pasted and ducktaped together. And I accidenty deleted the whole index page when editing but I am thankful for that ( lesson was always always back up your files ) It was a reminder to keep it simple, to do things only I understand versus just copying code. As a friend said, only copy code you understand. In hindsight that is obvious but obvious things take time.
In terms of progress i guess i don't have much. I made a word of the day thing that used google sheets API but it is trash bc the server has to be running to work- oh I spent 12 hours learning and re-reading code from chatgpt trying to understand APIs but it is not broken.
But thank god, it was another bloated project which i absolutely had 0 idea what the codes meant.
but what i really wanted to talk today is about ... how having the right tools is everything- especially at the start. In short: its not you, it's your tools
let me explain. The early stages of programming are the worst, it always takes more energy to start than to continue, having a difficult programming tool- IDE (still don't know what it stands for) makes it really hard. It requires even more effort to use, and that is yet another mental and literally hurdle to overcome. So having a good experience with a tool makes all the difference, the same way having a good knief helps you enjoy cooking more because you are not constantly struggling with a basic thing. Same with IDEs' I found Cursor recently and I was mainly using it for python. But then i learned I could edit websites with it.
It blew my mind. I was struggling this weekend for 4+ hours trying to install and run tailwindcss on my terminal and make it run on the site and it wasn't working. It took hours of trouble shooting before I gave up. And here, in a matter of minutes there was a tailwind css file that opens on the side of the cursor IDE that I could see LIVE the changes being made. I was in awe- am still in awe because it happened less than an hour ago.
Look it might not be slice bread, but it is the greatest experience I have had since seeing a website come to live almost last year. I am in awe.
Lastly most people are saying AI will replace developers jobs. But I havent hard anyone speak of how it will also open the door for many different types of people into the world of programming. It has been heaven sent to have something to ask when you are stuck versus having to read all these crappy articles or stackoverflow answers (maybe i dont know how to google right) but I am thakful for this era.
It is truely hard to understand we are in the apex of history, of human knowledge sharing and gathering. It is propably the greatest time in history- it is Guthenberg but better.
Anway, I am hungry and rambling. But it is insane to see it all come together.
p.s sorry for not having any real updates. hope next quarter goes better in terms of output.
Love,
In MN
Dear me,
Mysql is finally installed properly. today i learned 'Do science' which is go try to do many little expriments vs sitting here reading and thinking to find the right answer.' that's what my friend said, well, i retorted, 'that's like saying to a student in chemistry class, here you go, do science. And then chemically blow in their face' I said, very happy with myself for such a clever anaglogy. 'But unlike chemistry computers rarley blow on your face.' And that was when i realized i had been check mated by my own anology. My friend was right. Yet again.
do the science. try it and fail. It is after all called computer science.
4.23.24
Yesterday, at midnight, I 'shipped a feature.' It barely works, but it met its objective. Soemtimes things move very slowly and then all at once. This week has been the most productive week in a while. Why? because there was a deadline. I set a task for myself. It all started with a simple email update I recieved from Railway. They said "this week we shipped..." and I was stunned. On you can ship things in a week? I had the big goal of shipping months/ weeks later but having a weekly thing- midnight by Friday this thing will work. Who cares if it's fancy. Who cares if it barely works, does it work? All of that to say I shipped something. And it kinda works.
there are a few take aways here. One ship fast, duh. But that means fail as fast as possible and iterate over time. Not build things in your head - which is a sneaky way of feeling like progress is being made without 'real' progress being made. So experiment, make it so inconsequentially simple - i.e it does x by this specific time and if I don't y will be the consquence. Obviously carry out on the consquences. But a little nerve is good. I had missed being nervous - I guess set your deadlines - ship in one week incrememnt, not months. And also be fortunate enough to have friends that will walk you through your roadblock. thank god for people who know what they are doing.
Dear me,
Somethings are just absurd aren't they? So here I am working on something and getting incredibly frustrated and having one of those, why isn't this workinggg!!! moments and I realized, uh this is crazy.
A few months ago, had you tried to explain what the problem was, I don't even think I would have understood you, let alone figure out the solution for it. Because that would not have been in my frame of reference. It's funny how things change and how we adapt so quickly to those changes. And despite yesterday spending an entire day trying to solve this hurdle and today half day is gone (minus an hour of pretend napping) I am still thankful that i get to work on this problem. It is werid because even in its frustration, its a good problem- I had a better phrase for it earlier. I think it was 'good hard' the one that makes your brain sweat, and do all sorts of stuff.
The biggest irony is when I embarked on adding comments as a feature, I thought it was going to be so simple. Easy breezy, uh jokes on me. I would be lucky it works even today, and also why did I even want to add this feature? I guess I wanted it to look like a semi actual forum. And now I have essentially 3 days - not only to make a forum - which technically 60%+ of it is done but I have other things to add- did i have two months to work on these? yes, yes i did. And now I'm panicking because what if I don't make it? what if my pretend 'demo day' ends up awash? ahhh
Also the second cup of coffee is not helping but I will drink it anyway.
Anyway even if I 'fail' ie i don't fix the bug- which lets be honest I will. so false humility there. But just in case I don't and the site looks shit. I will still think the me from April 2023 would be proud. Because Maci has graduated from learning HTML to using actual databases and making her own API. Does she understand it, nope. But its still fun and there is nothing else in the world I rather be doing. Thats a lie, doing this near an ocean would have been ideal but the weather is beautiful here. Jeez thats another realization I had yesterday, why am I trying to go somewhere? why is here not good enough, why? I know there is no there. Here is always here- meaning wherever you go, there you are. So actually, here is good. And I am happy, I think. But I am also really anxious to make it work and its not working which is making me anxious and uuuuughgggggghhhh okay break calm the fuck down and go fix it. But anway I wanted to say in a round about way, thanks for sticking to it. N godspeed.
Tuesday May 7 2024 12:20 ish pm
I was wrong/ i lied. i hate this, i hate everything about it.
it is now been 12+ hours on this stupid comment and I don;t ven think anyone is ever going to use it, or that i care what anyone has to say to spend 12 hours on a goddamn problem. i am sick of it.and what is sicker is i'm going to go back and spend more time on it.
so that was like 7 hours yesterday and today like 4 hours for a stupid comment. I don't even know what the problem is. the mysql comment table works. actually i don't know if it does. fmlIt works now. Actually it worked last night at 2 am. You know a life hack when all this coding becomes nonsensical is to watch a romatic movie. Something light and predictable. Then somehow it gives you the push you need, a second wind of sorts. But yeah it was a simple, stupid mistake. But i didn't know it was neither simple, stupid or a mistake. I guess thats part of the game- the science.
You know i should be thrilled it worked and i am. i just dont feel it. Now i have to go do other things. But i'm not sure, should i make it 'pretty' now? clean it up? rn its like all the plumbing is done, now more things to do. yay, i'm just hungry. i'll get some breakfast and feel less grummpy.
And then i'll learn git and then prettyfy the site. Build a tutorial page of 'ecolab of learning' and technically i am supposed to have a word of the day thing built. All of this is due on Friday 4pm.
Wed 10:10 AM May 8 24
Well, none of the things I set out to do were accomplished, thats bs, i got an entire page to work. And that achievement enough(for now). So per my own rule, if i didn't get the whole thing to work i would be off of ch for a week- or was it a month? Anway I was talking to a friend about one of the persons we know who has gone offline, not completely but goes to the library to use internet type of offline. And i thought could i do it too? And the experiement is this, no internet, for a week. Also no reading. No external stimulation. And no chemical stimulation or supperesant. just water, and food and a whole bunch of nature.
I will be going camping for the weekend - so that gives me a head start to disconnect from it all. Obviosuly i can write, i want to write, i crave it.
The only thing i'll really miss is not coding but I think it'd be good for me. For my soul. Also today is my birthday. So a whole new decade has opened up and this one might just as well start without all the noise of the world. But honestly i love the noise, i detest silence, that is why i crave distraction because i dont want to be left with my own thoughts, with only myself.
Wow this is no longer Maci is learning HTML huh? maci is learning life- how to live it one day at a time. You know unlike software there is not a guarantee there is an answer somewhere, that someone has the answer. You just have to look long enough. So who knows what will happen by the end of the week- also,
'the capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it is not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of love, of sharing of going into the deepest core of the other person- without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other, because it is not given by the other.' - Osho. I thought this whole time this was about relationship with others, but i just realized it is also the relationship with myself. to be with myself, alone, without craving escape of clinging ....blah blah blah. See you next week
Friday May 10, 2024 2:46 pm :)
Welp the experiment lasted 5.5 days. It was the best of times and the worst of times. I realized not working makes me a crummy person. And I have some serious anger issues that has been hidden under layers of distractions by constantly being stimulated. So I got to realize some dameon processes working in the back of my mind, so it was good. I caved by tuesday on chemicals and by wed evening i was online. Today is the first day i touched my computer in a week. It feels good to be back.
Lets keep this all about software shall we? because clearly figuring life out is too much work and even more work to write about (because i kept being like 'oh how am i going to write about this experience' whilst in the experience, which means i am no longer 100% in the experience. too many lays to keep track of.) Back to maci is learning html xo
Friday May 17 11:14am
curretly the entire site(s) are down
its been maybe a week? and i don't know what i did (i can guess) but now nothing is working. Which is if you want to look for the sunny side of this crappy sandwitch is that it showed me how little i know. My knowledge gaps are so many might as well be swiss cheese. I have learned a lot over the last few days, but not enough, its never enough.
But i am taking this break from pretending to make a website and actually learn you know things i should have learned. Should is a strong word, when u are manning the ship its kinda 'figure it out as you go and hope you didn't really do anything that is ireversable'. God i hope i can make it work again. I have contacted the site for help but we shall see. I wish i had proper mentors you know. but i get it, its like they figured it out on their own and i guess i also have to do the same.
I resent it a little because - do you know how many times this week i was like 'maye this isnt for me' haha jk never about the website, i never doubted that for a second. Its 'oh since the site is down let me learn some python' nope. python and i dont get along. actually i realized my friend was having do sorting alogrithms when i can just as easily sort(x) ah sometimes having really smart people is so stupid. they take you in the deep water of knoweldge and say, 'k float'. which is stupid, maybe get my feet wet first?. did you know i configured my own nameserver? why because i can and because appearently thats the 'right way to do it.' i am grateful for smart people, just i wish i was quicker at grasping things.
Anyway i started two new books on my hiatus. 'Man and the computer' by Kenmey (Darmoth timesharing dude) and 'Valley of Genius' obviously about silicon valley dudes. Maybe dudettes? i havent gotten that far yet. But its like a bunch of interviews strung together. the author must have been on acid because it's brilliantly woven together. Maybe even as good as 'the dream machine' level of research and dedication. What that book failed to mention (dream machine) was apparently how hippie and counter culture and new earth catelog these people were. And a lot of acid was involved appreantly.
Its so weird and cool how productive these people were. From Dough to Xerox they just made cool shit you know? And they did it all - hardware, software, design and demonstration. Must have been such a cool time. One thing that stuck in my brain was this guy said 'learn by play' and that is pretty much what they did, they figured it out. Made things and just were innovating - actually creating the entire blueprint and building it. Just for the love of computers and making things(and money)
Its making me reevaluate how i'm approaching my 'learning' where is the fun in it? also they made things in 3 months - a few things were done in such short time. 3 months is a lot if you use it right. But here i am figuring out how dns works so this damn site can come back to life, maybe its the firewall? time to go hunt some bugs.
not as enthused,
Wed June 5 24 3:59pm
man oh man, it worked!
you know it has been more than a week but today was the day i approached this as not something to 'fix' but to understand. I heard someone say like yesterday oh tim ferriss i think, say in modern wisdom podcast that 'this is the work, the interview is the fun part, but the other things are the work you do to get to the fun stuff.' And i was thinking about that, this is the work, sitting here figuring out what it is that could be causing this chaos. thats the work. Its not something to run from.
so i sat down, you know causally first tried the site, ofcourse down, then dns lookup that didnt work. So i grabbed my notebook - DNS_PROBE_FINISHED_NX Domain and wrote (w/ help of gpt) 'either DNS records not properly setup or are not propagating correctly. And went through each thing what the problem is, and i would give claude more context and we would narrow the problem down and down and down until oh goddamn firewall. i thought it could be. i was 40% sure because that was the major change i made but you know spent hours learning about dns and all that stuff before arriving at the obvious thing. is this even saving. lol imagine
it is saving oh god. it feels so good. its like childbirth like you forget all the pain and you're filled with the greatest like tingling ever. maybe prof guttag was right. maybe programming is the most fun you can have with your clothes on. or its just the relief and all the seretonin or whatever in my body that is like washing over me. either way. it worked. and now i have to learn how to document debugging. But I'm also fried and need a break from networks and backend stuff. Lets doodle in API for the rest of the day. Happy friday
June 7 24 12:00 pm
ps the fix took 3 lines of code. but to get there took 8 days and 13 pages of notes. so yeah.um its been exactly 7 days since i posted last and i have done jack squat in those seven days. It's friday, i was supposed to ship something- i think make the tips page nicer and have categories? but that's not happening. Because I kinda forgot- truth was i'm scared that i'll do something that will mess it up agian. And part of me wanted to 'learn' this inside out before I added more complexities.
which sounds nice but its an incredible loophole in not doing much. what was my 'learning objective'? to learn how all the backend worked? or only the scripts.js? how will i know when i have learned, what does it mean to learn it anyhow.
I realized how complex it all is. i post something and by the time i have hit sumbit its swish into the database and then into :3003/tips. there are ports, there are databases and post and get and my god, as much as its shocking to even try grasping it. i am in awe by the sheer brilliance of it. So ya thats a fancy way of saying its 9:51pm and i have not shipped what i said i would. boohoo. sorry to go back on my word again.
i got into this builderspace program. did i tell you about it before because i'm having a real dejavu moment writing this. Anyway, i got in- mainly i used a bunch of ai this ai that- actually i said llm but same difference at this point. So by the seat of my pants i got in and they have orientation tomorrow at noon. Not sure what it will mean or how it will go. I hope they know something i dont know about structuring and actually working on this. Because excistenitally i am really not doing good. Half a month have gone by since June started where i was supposed to do three things- build things, talk to users and exercise. i don't remember the last time i did any of those. i coded um idr really. so maybe its going to offer some structure. or maybe i need to figure out what and how to do this instead of constantly relying on external forces. And half assing everything. my god, i miss when i used to care about things, when it mattered to me that i did a good job. now its all just phoning it in, saying one thing doing another. i'm really getting tired of my shenanigans. too old for this.
on another less depressing note i watched a movie called Perfect Days. If you haven't seen it-- who am i kidding no one reads these--but by some unfortunate event you find yourself reading this and have not watched it. please stop. go watch it. If you're fortunate enough to find someone to watch it with, do it with another human, you'll understand why later.
I went into it knowing absolutely nothing. I said 'is this a subtitle film?' bc i was fully intending to multitask. But my friend said 'none of that ADD stuff' so i was forced to watch it fully. The film grabs you and won't let you go. The color- oh the color, i have never seen color that radiant and mesmerizing, and just, lovely, sheer delight to watch.
It broke me half way through. I sobbed like a dam was broken inside me. I felt thing i have not felt watching a film in a loooong time, if ever. I am deeply grateful for it. For the tenderness and care and lack of blabbering. It was beautiful.
One thing that stuck with me is making/doing things for their own sake, not for anything or anyone else.
This guy takes pictures and puts them in his closet. But that moment of pausing, of appreciating of caring and choosing to pay attention-that is a lesson i will do my best to carry with me moving forward. 'now is now.' what a joy it was. I hope you thought so too.
Friday June 14 10:06 pm
me ramble. well thank myself really for putting up with that experience. nothing better than rain and some code ok byeto tell the truth - even to myself - seems really scary. I wish i can say I am a founder, i have an idea for a company and i will do what ever it takes to make it happen. Even if not a company, have the site be a thing. I am really stuck. i ought to be hustling and grinding and doing all the things in my power to learn and make things but i don't. i sit all day and mope. and i know what incredible priviledge i have, that time is running out, eventually the music will end soon and i will be left with the reckoning of my actions- or lack thereof. I should be working- i should be coding- i should be doing so much more than what i am doing which is nothing. that is dramatic, i do stuff and i am trying not to take that for granted bc i remember time when i had no will to do anything. even in small doses, i ought to be grateful. But it is not enough. i should learn but i am, i finished an entire notebook of scribles and notes and debuggings but it is not enough. i need to do more.
i should love leanring coding, i should do more sites- you know maybe just make things but then there is a tension do i code- i.e copy paste chats code- maybe this isnt meant for me. maybe i shuld give up and do something else. and if i - maybe too much time inside isn't good for me. but it is hard and i am scared. maybe i am not meant to be a 'programmer' and if ihad any other skillsets i should happily lunge at the chance not to do this- to not feel this way. it is fun sometimes, but most of the time i really think i just made a mistake. but in all the agony, i never thought about giving it up. moting now feels more natural- or ever really- than sshing into this laptop. maybe freedom is a double edged sword, we cut ourself in fumbling with it. i have 6 weeks till the Buildspace demo day. i thought i had it, i knew what i was doing, what to work on but i have no clue. and instead of figuring it out i spent all day - what i did shall remain a secret 'dear gentle reader'
i don't know. i guess i should since it is all on me to make something of it. but i am so apathatic towards it all. what folly dream it was, all the grandose ideas i had. have. i am sorry to have let myself down. i thought i had it in me. that i could do anything.
june 19
Maci is learning servers- and ports and methods. She also realized she knows very little(actually practically none) so she has the pleasure of learning the basics, alongside the most complex- node.js and express and api. She has two weeks for foundations and 4 weeks for actually site deployment. and the goal is to have one person use the site.
how will i fare? god help me
so the site should be a q and i site. say what you are working on and if others feel inclined they post an answer. maybe you find a mentor. some form of progress tracker and milestone would be nice; a place to celebrate? and vent?god knows its a lonesome affair to program all alone.- till next time.
p.s it's ok to cry over code, but you wipe the salty tears and you code on, because well what else is there to do.
as Elizabeth taylor said '...put on some red lipstick, and pull youself together.' metapohircally ofcouse, the code doesn't care what color your lips are. and isnt that the most liberating thing of all. if you are patient with youself, you will pull through it. now go break that proble into the smallest pieces you can, then do each bit and put it back together. love, Maci
still june 19 3:54 4:06 pm
we are today on week three of buildspace. and i am supposed to build something 10 people will use by july 27th. i did have bit of a panic bc i thought he said by next monday we have 10 users and that was like wooow. thats a big challenge but he said the 27th and part of me was like, next week sounds interesting.
but there is also another part of me that is freaking out because i have no idea what i am building or doing, i guess i know what i should be doing but making the entire site https screawed up a bunch of things like cors and god knows what else so i have to figure out what to do there. part of me is like why am i doing this to myself, why go through this debugging yet again. idk i estimate it'll take me um 5-10 hours to do, possibly less but the thing is i dont know what i am doing, so having llms finish my code or clean up my mess seems stupid in so many ways, its like baby food, yes its food but damn i'm not a baby, i want to chew my steak, i dont want it blended and fed to me. anyway, not only that there is this ever present and ever closing in topic of finding a job. i have been blessed to be in hiatus for awhile now but time is timing ya, it needs to be tightly figured out because i don't know. do i do leetcode questions, do i even want a job in software? or tech in general? if not that then what??? ahh maci is leanring life is too much.
back to code, so this ambitiously idiotic plan is to code more - say 70% by hand and the rest w/ gpt and clause. i think that is good, but also stupidly complex because i have never really built a site, i have only 4 weeks left and god knows even if i have the skill or focus to do it. but so if i don't think i can, then why am i wasting my time? you know 'if you can't win, don't play.' if i don't think i can win i.e actually do it why am i wasting my time? so maybe i do believe it? regardless time is timing and ohh i didn't even celebrate properly, site is fully transitioned to https. thank god for acme.sh it made my life so much easier, i didn't expect it to work, but it did. i did it over the weekend, i was like if i screw this up there was someone online and i felt liberatd, also i spent 3 hours backing up files, and backing up the backups. so yeah.
but my reflection from that is, you know i should have felt happy i did something on my own- ha claude helped- but when it was done, i felt like nothing really, relief sure, but it was like on to the next thing, why is tips.html not working and let figure that out. there was no taking time to feel happy, it was like a given. now on to the next thing. and i'm not sure if it is just me, this continual bulldozing on to the next project without taking stock of how good it feels to achieve what we did. if you told me last year i would do it i'd be stoked. but now, its like on to the next thing. i need to cut it out. i mean it sucks, i have more work now fixing and figuring out what went wrong, but that shouldn't take away from feeling happy about doing something, no matter how small or big, it is cool, i am stoked, and grateful i had a friend suggest acme and it worked out well. i'm just saying it, there currently are no feelings other than relief. but thats ok. anyway this has been long enough. i am trying to be happy and grateful. taking it all in. how rare is it, no matter how temporary, one gets to do exactly what they want to do with their time. i am fortunate beyond words and i want to remember and appreciate that more. and go on walks. you rarely solve interesting problems sitting on ur desk. i dont know what i'm saying but pls go for walks. and take it easy. at the end who cares if only one person uses the site- and maybe for now its me, and one day we will find another me to think this is cool. who cares, that is then. 'now is now, then is then' xo Maci
Tue July 2 2024 7:03 pm
today is the day! a prototype will be unleashed into the world. well maybe. i spent almost all night working on backend stuff yesterday. you know testing postive, neg cases and all that jazz. figured that would be the hard part. oh was i wrong. i have absolutely no idea what is happening in the front end. never in my life have i thought that would be the hard part but i should have known better. this is why i avoided it for two weeks, this is why i avoided registration for two months. now i have 12 hours to go. and all i did this morning was pushing code to git and hoping someone will eventually fix it for me. ha jk. so i am not sure where to go or do now? pm2 is active. but for stupid reason the link keeps refreshing when you try to sign in. anyway that is my lot. oh a surprising thing that happened a few minutes ago is the guy who comes to inspect my house saw my guitar and he was like do you play, i was like sure, kinda. anyway he showed me an F chord and god the things he did with it was mind blowing. so if it all goes to shit we can start a new journey called Maci is learning the guitar. But god thats dumb, self debricating humor to not acknowledge the fact that i am scared and i don't even know where to start.
pen and paper first. write debugging at the top, write error message(s)and work on it. remember thats the 'job' part of the job, the other stuff is fun, this is the work. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh how many ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh can i say so i dont have to do debugging. now its 12:07 ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh okook bye.
monday july 8 2024
Yesterday we launched. i launched, i dunno who this royal we is. i and with the help of god and countless hours of gpt and then claude and then gpt got the site to work. i think i worked on it, lets see 11 hours slept for 5 hours, worked on it for 3 hours took a nap for like 2 hours and then another 6 hours. all done while clubhouse. honestly im not sure i could have done it any other way. i need that presence, someone there- even if its just their clubdeck, it helps me move along.
version 0 is out in the world. two people used it, they seemed not too enthused, they said it was good, but it wasnt quantum of utility and i just realized maybe that person who will be excited i launched is me for a while. if ever. if there is no one in the entire galaxy did not know my site existed, would it matter? um in a perverse way that would actually be great, then i a dont have to worry about site going down. last night after launching i was liek the most important thing is not users but reliability of site, so maintance would have to be done at night. but if no one but me used it then i dont have to worry about that. but also, i would want to have a good experience. i would want to have like a tab, and i could click on things easily, there would be time marking so i know when i made it, it would be neat if its color cordinated, or some way to know do i want to reference this in the future, like whats my intent for saving? bc a lot of my brain is wasted on remember things i saw. it does it natually but it would be nice to not have to rememeber michael jordan likes cigars and he did one dope podcast where he talked about wanting to go to cuba or some random thing i saw five years ago. also if i could rate it myself it'd be great. also i hate the white background too ugly. it'd be a dream to have like a typewriter font.
maybe discovering what other people find interesting is not really great, bc if i am the only using it why would i need it. but i could maybe tag people? like hey you, i liked this weird thing and i know you like this weird thing so check it out.
soooooo its like it worked but now more work. you know and i wrote things down on the white board of things- mainly small things to fix which i could but now i'm running to a hard problem which is when i try to fix one thing it breaks the entire section. like cookies for laptops yesterday made it so the registeration stopped working. things like that. i know i need to learn js already and my job cannot be a glorified copy paster and i say that like its a joke but all jokes contain true shit, the same rope you climbed up on they hang you with. but not jermain, my brain too quick, i recognize life is a dream and i dream lucid. that is a j cole song i just wanted you to know i know and now it makes no sense bc there are no quotes and i am exhausted and i woke up at like 10 and did nothing and went swimming and that was all.
i found an interesting book called 'the good parts of js' by the guy that made JSON? anyway, maybe i can use that. but i doubt it. i once tried to learn xhtml from a book so i am not really the best at picking these things so my friend suggestion i should pick a topic and stick with it for a day or so and really work on learning and seeing how i can solve problem with it. which is fair. so the next chapter in the book is about statements so we'll see. i also tried to learn js from a coffee book- the book is about js but uses a lot of coffee analogy 'JavaScript Allongé, the 'Six' Edition'
to be fair i did learn how to type hello world using js insdide html so you know not an entire wash day. i should sleep and not think about what type of archtiectre i would use if there was a discover page where users can see other links would that be an entirely new page? maybe you do signin or signup in a new page, it directs you to another page to save your links and to share you click public? but then thats three different things. unless it can condence? but the code is already a few dozen lines and i have no idea what it does. so maybe just dont do that for now. and figure out how and what the code does and works? i was goign to type the code out by hand today but instead found the js guy-good parts guy- you know leslie said learning programming from coding is like learning english by typing words, so if i dont even know english and i type a bunch of words is it worth it? duhhhh benjamin franklin became a better writer by copying other writers, forgetting about it and seeing if he could do it from memory, or turn it into a poem and then using the poem turn it back into long form
i hate when i know what to do but dont do it but still come up with a terribly unconvincing reason why i dont do it? just write the damn code. do sstatments for a day or two- oh i should know what statments are so i feel bad now i have to learn what statments are so i avaoid learning what statments are but i want to build an entire site that uses statments- and worse still i want to edit said code to add more things and i actaully learned how to type hello world using js today and guess what i was doing the '> instead of >' oh wait which way is it again. i need o sleep i am annoyed with myself and my head hurts. nope just looked at the code its supposed to be script src='program.js'í
i'm not sure if that is even write bc i cant see what i typed. but i also read the quote that 'forgetting is learnings friend' or some shit. good night. and thank you fo lett
july 9 24 11:18 pm
it has not been a good week. i have made very little progress-if at all. i am really ashamed because i felt way too cocky about myself and my abilities. i am way too delusional. not in a good way. i will take my L this week.
Mon July 15 2024 9:42 pm
Linux baby, i love you so.
would be the first lines of a song i would write if i could write a song. so today is July 24, 2024. and finally, there is a way for links to be shared publicly. it worked. and now 6 weeks later, that vision of being able to discover links is as its stage 0 of being realized. and it feels amazing. i was just watching a talk about 'barefoot developers' and how llms are going to empower ppl to program and i was like yea! but the talk was about how we can use english to program.. anyway who cares. it just made me realize how much i love linux. and how grateful i am that it exists. I read 'just-for-fun-linus-torvalds' around last summer (yeah, i'm flexing i know) anyway its a quasi autobiographical book written by his sister and i'm not sure why i taught about the book just now but it was so dope. and the fact that here i am typing this on a terminal connected to some linux remote thing making some weird tweaks on a site is pretty incredible. kinda made me sad the best we can do for these (us) barefoot developers is making llms that make it easy to program instead of connecting them to a terminal and being like here- it sucks at first to learn and figure it out but its like having a canvas in which you can paint whatever you like. not beholden to anyone for anything but your imagination and some llms like gpt or claude. thats a much better empowering tool that another llm subscription.
anyway who cares for now. i have like 2 days to finish doing this site, make a video of my demo and submit for buildspace. and now i'm going to work on email verification and i am avoiding that by ranting on here. but can you imagine me last April and i told myself yo, you build something: 1 girl 2 llms and help from friends. me, like thats wild to think about, i couldn't even. the way it started was just empty canvas- here go paint. as my friend says 'fuck around and find out' and after months of fafo we are here.
it makes it sound like its not some basic html but like i don't understand what it does and i have a long way before i can understand it- like fully understand it. Leonardo DaVinci says 'a good painter should decide broadly upon the position of the limbs and attend first to the movement approperate to the mental attitudes of the creatures in the narrative...." (chp 3) i.e you first paint the skelton and put the flesh afterwards. i.e you ought to understand the building blocks what you use. and i, truth be told do not understand it at all. so to that will take time. anyway, it doesn't matter. for now, it works. and i am grateful for the canvas in which to do my finger paintings.
wed july 24, 2024 9:37pm
ps i'm going to bed- or try to and try this again later. do some yoga plz? my body aces is this what getting older is????